The number of attempts I’ve made at writing this blog, or any blog, can no longer be counted on one hand. Which is a shame, really. Not because of the “many failed” attempts, but because knowing that if I kept going I could’ve already been where I want to be.
So what keeps making me stop? What is it that makes me feel the need to wipe everything and start over?
The answer isn’t black and white, but I suspect it has something to do with perfectionism.
Every time I had posted a few writings, the urge came to delete everything and “start over”. To “do it better” next time. But why does “better” always seem to mean “start over”?
I think it’s because, as I learned new things along the way, I felt I had to apply those lessons retroactively. Not just to what I was writing now, but to everything I’d already published. Even the old posts (especially the old posts) no longer felt “good enough.” I didn’t want to show the phases of my beginnerness.
Everything had to be perfect from the beginning. No missteps. No messy progress. Just polished output from the very first try.
That’s a weird standard to hold myself to. And quite frankly, an unhealthy one.
It sucks the joy out of learning… Perfectionism isn’t just about being good, it’s about trying to erase all signs of growth. To be at expert level from the start.
Before writing this, I looked up the definition of “perfection.”
It said: “a flawless state where everything is exactly right.”
But what is exactly right and who gets to decide?
Maybe perfection is just a made-up construct.
A personal myth we hold ourselves to.
And maybe the pursuit of it is what’s keeping me from doing the very thing I set out to do: write.
Perfection is not the goal, learning is.
I’m not starting over this time. I’m starting from here.
SuusVooijs 